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Dec. 17th, 2006 @ 08:57 am (no subject)
I can make myslef go on
without you here
but being happy
would just be a lie
knowing you were gone
I could make myself cry
with every tear
all I would hear
are your last words
the ones where you said
goodbye



I love her....I really do....I just sometimes think to myself, what would happen to me if she was gone? I somehow don't know if I could make it....she is everything to me....she has become a part of me...an essential vitamin to my daily life...



when I'm with you
I feel like there's
nothing we could do
that wouldn't feel right
day and night
I think about you
and my love you choose
oh girl what would I do
without you
you're my heart and soul
you make me feel whole
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Dec. 14th, 2006 @ 08:01 am my cupcake
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: paramore- my heart
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Dec. 9th, 2006 @ 08:51 pm new
wow....it has been almost a year since I have wrote in this thing....seems crazy to read all the shit I used to write.....I was a freaking mess.....now I am actually very happy with most of my life...of course there are some things I want still but where I am right now is sort of content....I'm ok with it for now...I have an amazing relationship...she is someone who I can be myself with and open up to...I haven't felt this kind of connection before...I feel like I have known her forever sometimes....she makes me laugh so much and smile more than I ever thought I could....I have amazing friends....they are always there when I need them and also can make me smile and laugh a whole hell of alot....well this is it for now...I plan to start using this more but for now I have to get ready for work soo cya...
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Jan. 10th, 2006 @ 07:27 pm :) Happiness!!
I've found exactly what I've been looking for and more!
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Nov. 10th, 2005 @ 03:34 pm (no subject)
Starting over.......where do you start? Close your eyes. What do you see? Your life fell apart, but you have to look for the pieces to put it back together...no one else can find them for you. It may be a rough journey searching for them...but it will make you stronger......now if I can only believe all that, I will be fan-fucking-tastic
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Oct. 24th, 2005 @ 04:31 pm subject lines can go to hell! :)
Current Mood: sick
Current Music: natasha bedingfield-unwritten
ahhhhh..........stress, stress, stress.........

I feel like complete shit today...my ulcer is acting up so my stomach is hurting really bad and I feel completely exhausted....I feel like I can't move, but I'm stuck here at work and then I have to go to school!!!!! Ok I'm done with that...just had to get it out!

I just want to live
forget all the complications
I need to breathe
without my lungs mangled
sleep would be good
if I could ever fall for it
time...what the hell is that
where does it go
how do you get it back
can you skip it
without missing the best


I need to get up to chicago to see my davey dave!!!! Luv ya buddy! We r gonna get married but I'm still allowed to be gay!! haha j/k!

Okay I don't feel like writing nemore...I'm out!

~Soul2poet
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Oct. 16th, 2005 @ 07:22 pm "How many days have you just slept away?"
Current Music: carly simon- you're so vain
Well....what the hell has been going on with me? Hmmmmm.....I've been working my ass off, going to school and still trying to maintain somewhat of a social life.

I feel very stressed out these days...I haven't been able to spend alot of time with my friends and I know they all think I am being a bad friend, I just feel so overwhelmed right now. Everyone just expects so much out of me...that I feel like I can't do it all....ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

I miss Nichole still.........nothing left to say about that!
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Sep. 4th, 2005 @ 01:33 am here ya go
well im finally updating because someone told me I needed to.

"Ain't no sunshine when she's gone"----I'm having a really hard time with this missing nichole thing. I want to be with her so much. Hopefully things work out for the better one day.

I'm actually enjoying work quite a bit. That's a first.

If you ever have the chance to get your wisdom teeth taken out, pass on it! I have had just bout every dam problem you can think of since I had the surgery. Im really frustrated with this right now.

It's funny what it takes to make you take a step back and really look at your life and evaluate all aspects of it. I will miss u Matt, you made a great friend, but you had to get your wings sooner than we all would have liked you to.

im tired now i wanna sleep....
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Jul. 30th, 2005 @ 04:02 am sadness overwhelmes me
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: tracy chapman-fast car
well the first love just broke up with me....fuck it, I'm getting drunk!
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Jul. 23rd, 2005 @ 03:34 am random thoughts in the dawn hours
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Staind-Right here waiting
Well I am not tired and everyone else in the apt drank tonight and are all passed out now...so I'm just surfin the net.

Coffee and Cigarettes sounds so good right now...I don't know what it is, but all day I have been craving a nice little period of time to just sit down in a quiet public place and enjoy a cup of coffee and some cigarettes and maybe do a little people watching?!?!? I don't even really like coffee?

I'm trying not to be a doormat anymore, anyone have any hints to help???

I can't help but feel sad lately. I know why it is too but I can't seem to fix it. I'm all cry-eyed!

The new show coming to the Playhouse is "Love, Janis" and as some of you may know, I am a big fan of Janis Joplin!!!! Can't wait for that one!!

I saw "Devil's Rejects" tonight....it wasn't all that I expected it to be....but, wow, Rob Zombie's wife is pretty damn hott...she is one of the leading roles in the movie, go figure!?!

I have been so damn sick lately...all last week I had at once a sinus infection, an ear infection and bronchitis...now today I have a lovely migraine especially after dealing with all these drunk asses!

I finally got a job, I am temping with Comair in the offices...they said there is a good chance of being hired on...so hopefully I will because this is the first job I actually don't mind waking up to go to. Everyone there is really cool!! My boss is an older gay guy, so he is alot of fun.

I'm supposed to start back to school in August...dreading that, but I know I need to, so I am going to!

I just noticed that I do this alot (...) but oh well, if you dont like it...get the fuck over it!

I think I am going to make another journal but for my poetry and writing, I haven't been writing as much lately and I am really missing that...so maybe that will motivate me to write more...so be on the lookout for that...I'm going to try and get that accomplished within the next week!!

As far as my relationship with Nichole is going....well, to be quite honest I'm not sure I can predict the future for it...lately things have been kinda unsteady. I don't know what to do with this situation...more than anything I just want to be with her...I like her so much and I'm not one to fall for someone so easily, but with her I fell fast and hard and now it hurts soo much that things aren't going so well...dave, I know you will have some good advice for me!!!!

Okay kiddos, the Lush-ious Lezbo is out...be good to yourselves friends! xoxo
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Jul. 5th, 2005 @ 02:39 am ???
Current Music: tim mcgraw-please rememer me
when the heart breaks, does the bandaid cover the wound, when the eyes cry, does the tissue dry the eyes? Time can be so deceiving, only lies can tell, strength is a line fed full of bullshit, weakness is the envy, change is a bitch
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Jun. 29th, 2005 @ 06:56 pm an excuse to show off my boobs!
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: all over love-eamon
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I was bored and after I layed out today I thought I would see how bad I look in a bikini...the thing most girls dread!!!
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Jun. 24th, 2005 @ 05:29 pm what to do with you?
Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: foo fighters-best of you
I finally went to the doctor to get back on an anti-depressant, it also has stuff in it to help you sleep so maybe I will finally get some rest! I don't know what to do, I just got a job at Merry Maids but I found out that I am severely allergic to their chemicals!! I hate looking for new jobs, but it turns out that I must!

I talked to Dave last night for a little while, that was rather enjoyable. I've noticed lately that he is one person that I can really open up to, sucks you moved Dooobie! I do miss ya! I used to be able to have in depth conversations with Stef but since she has moved it has been hard for us to keep in touch, Stef if you read this, could you leave your number, I lost it when I got my new phone???

Since about the time I moved into my first apt with Kristen, I develped a habt of drinking; alot!! I started drinkin damn near everyday. I have come to a point where I realized that I need to stop drinking so much and do things that are more productive. Today will be the 5th day I have not drank anything. I am not saying that I am never going to drink again, I just want to try to drink on the weekends if that, when I will not be working the next day.

Yesterday, I went to Camp Ernst lake and sat at the picnic table in the sun and wrote a two page letter to my mother. I wrote about how much her words have hurt me lately and how I know that deep down in my heart that God is not going to turn me away b/c I am bisexual. If God can forgive those who rape and kill people and hurt little kids, then I really dont think the fact that I have a girlfriend is a reason for denying me passage into heaven. I'm not sure yet if I should give it to her???

I don't know what is wrong with Nichole lately, I guess you could say we are kind of on the rocks.... :(
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Jun. 19th, 2005 @ 11:38 am do ya?
Current Mood: confused
I feel so empty inside, yet so full of tears, they wont let go and just cry, holding onto nothing, do you feel it like I do?
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Jun. 4th, 2005 @ 02:04 am pic
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Jun. 2nd, 2005 @ 10:14 pm blah
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: alanis-mary jane
I feel really upset today, kinda mad, kinda sad...a little in between. Originally my dad was going to give Kristen 3000 dollars to get a new car, but then I said I didn't want my car anymore, so Kristen told my dad that she wanted to take over the payments on my car and just to give me the money to get a new car...but he said, "Why would I give her money?" I mean, what the fuck.?.?.?....
Then today my mom, Kristen, the baby and I went to Frischs, my mom wanted a bite of my chili...she wouldn't use my spoon, she said she had her own...I guess she thinks she'll catch the gayness or something stupid like that.
I just feel like curling up in a ball and crying, I don't really know why, but I've felt all depressed today....
sorry for complaining...just had to vent somewhere

I'll throw in some of my Alanis to sum up part of how I feel....

What's the matter Mary Jane, you had a hard day
As you place the don't disturb sign on the door
You lost your place in line again, what a pity
You never seem to want to dance anymore

It's a long way down
On this roller coaster
The last chance streetcar
Went off the track
And you're on it

I hear you're counting sheep again Mary Jane
What's the point of trying to dream anymore
I hear you're losing weight again Mary Jane
Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for

Well it's full speed baby
In the wrong direction
There's a few more bruises
If that's the way
You insist on heading

Please be honest Mary Jane
Are you happy
Please don't censor your tears

You're the sweet crusader
And you're on your way
You're the last great innocent
And that's why I love you

So take this moment Mary Jane and be selfish
Worry not about the cars that go by
All that matters Mary Jane is your freedom
Keep warm my dear, keep dry

Tell me
Tell me
What's the matter Mary Jane
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May. 29th, 2005 @ 12:44 am (no subject)
feelings of sadness overwhelm my eyes, I cannot explain why, they just do, tonight should just get over, but my saddened eyes can't seem to find themselves a way to hide in my sleep, I think it's because last night, I sat here, all alone, until I had to go out at 330 in the morning to go pick up jeremy and dustin who locked their keys in their car, ever since I met Nichole and started living with alot of people, I found that whenever I am left alone, I get really depressed and feel soo sad, even though at times all I crave is sincere solitary, I can't stand to be alone
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May. 24th, 2005 @ 04:20 pm One day.....
Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: dashboard confessional-living in your letters
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Unless I am with you
I am not breathing
Unless I am with you
I am not living
when will you let me breathe
when will you let me live
If only you could see
just how much you mean to me
these words would flow
from you the same
my racing heartbeats
you would endure
my longing aches to be with you
would feel their way around your body
my trembling hands which long to be held
would be in yours always
but its ok my dear
I would wait an eternity
to be with you always
I know that now we can't
Only every so often
can I see your beautiful face
I will survive until that day comes
I will just fall asleep
and be with you in my dreams
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May. 22nd, 2005 @ 12:18 am Time for a change....desperately!
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: 12 stones-the way I feel
Well, I have had enough of Biggs, I don't see this job lasting very long, I wish I could just find a job that I liked, was good at and made enough money to support myself....yea right, in my dreams, huh? It's not that it's a hard job, but the standing in one spot for 8 hours a day is taking its toll on me. I hate staying in one spot and my feet throb, my back throbs, everything throbs...I'm just sick of hurting. I want another job, I just don't know what, I actually want to look around so I don't get myself stuck into something like this again. It sucks, because most of the people there are really nice....oh, what is a girl to do?!?!?!?

anywhoo, jeremy, michael, deanna, jackie, matt, john, mandy, amy and I went to Red Cheetah last night for Deanna's 21st bday(stupid bitch, Im sooo jealous)....it was pretty cool, everyone was pretty drunk, we all drank at our apt before we went down there. We had shots, smirnoffs, beers, jager-bombs, u name it, we had it...don't worry we took cabs down there. We all danced till we could not physically stand anymore. Oh yeah, and when we were at our apt, Mandy flashed her titties to a bunch of my 8 year old neighbors!!! Jackie and Deanna were giving each other hickies on each other's boobs, Mandy's too. John was making out with everyone and he kept hitting on these UGLY girls at the club, one had to be pushin 300!!! We kept trying to pry him away!!! Jeremy also was making out with everyone. Part of the night was a big drama-fest, so that kinda sucked. This morning we all actually got up and went to Perkins for breakfast, it was gross, but fun! I can't wait till I turn 21!!!!! I'm gonna takin a week off of work!!!
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May. 17th, 2005 @ 09:41 am Nichole Nichole Nichole!
Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: Def Lepard...Pour some sugar on me
Wow...friends and foes I can't help but talk about the way I feel right now...Nichole is sooo amazing. I am falling very hard for her as is she for me. She makes me feel sooo insanely comfortable. I never want to leave her when I am with her and I cannot ever stop thinking about her. "If this is wrong, then why does it feel so right" I don't think I am doing anything wrong by being with a girl. I don't think it matters...all that does matter is that you be true to yourself. Anyway, hope the pics work, one is of my girl, the other is of the two of us.


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